Updated May 2013
I want y'all to know that there is hope when in depression.
It takes inner strength, but mostly it takes knowing Jesus and knowing
that God speaks through his children as well as other ways. He loves you and He can heal anything. He’s big enough to listen to you screaming at
him and blaming him without His love ever faltering. He knows what you are going through and He
knows that it is a fallen world and it breaks His heart. He doesn’t put you in the situation, but He will get you through it.
All you have to do is ask.
Satan
had me in such a stranglehold, telling me that God could have prevented my
pain, so that I couldn’t ask. Don’t
believe that lie. God didn’t do it.
On
to my story……….
I have always been the strong one, the rock everyone leaned on, the immovable,
opinionated, steadfast, rock-solid woman that could take anything and come out on
the offensive, but I have to tell you, when hit by a personal traumatic event a
few months ago, I hit bottom.
Depression set in so fast and so hard that I was unreachable before I
knew it. I didn’t seriously think of suicide as an option, most of the time, but I had planned how I would do it, if it got that bad.
I blamed God and pulled away from Him.
I quit praying. I yelled at
God. I cried rivers and rivers. I didn’t sleep. I literally lived by “putting one foot in
front of the other” so to speak for several months. I hid it well from most people, mostly just
by staying away from them. The couple
that did ask about what was wrong, I just told them that I did not like my
husband being gone so much, which they understood. I didn’t answer the phone. I went to church late and left early, not
talking to anyone, only so they would not call or come by to see about me. I played a bazillion games of Spider
Solitaire just to occupy my mind and keep it off of my inner demons and I did
not do much of anything else.
My mind would go over and over the event and finally I decided I had
PTSD. After a couple of months of
crying, I finally talked to my doctor before my husband and I went on a trip
and he prescribed some anti-anxiety pills, so at least I could get through the
trip without crying all the time. When
we got back, I went in, again, and really talked to the doctor and that’s when
he told me that I was in deep depression.
I knew this, but, you know, it’s hard to admit by a strong, unbreakable,
ten foot tall, bulletproof woman. So he
prescribed anti-depressants.
I took one pill that night and the fact that I took it made me so angry that
next morning, realizing that I had allowed myself to get to that point, I
literally screamed at God, myself, the cats and anyone else in a 2 mile radius
until I came to the realization that I was better than that and that I did NOT
want to be on pills, AND that this event was NOT going to rob me of my life or
the living of it. So, I did not take any
more pills and went in to the doctor’s office and told him what had
happened. He was so amazed by the
difference in my attitude that we talked about how the change took place and
then on to a normal conversation about shared conservative interests, which I
hadn’t been able to do since the event. He is still flabbergasted by the difference
and how quickly it took place.
The after effects, however, were not so good. The really bad part of my depression was
over, but I still remained in a semi-depressed state off and on, just bouncing
in and out. Sometimes it would last
hours and other times days. During this time, of bouncing, a long time
friend of mine texted me and told me that the Holy Spirit had really put it on
her heart to pray for me every morning while she was putting on her
makeup. I texted her back and told her
to please continue to pray and that I would talk to her soon, which I did not,
nor did I have any intention of calling her, but that kept her from calling
me. I knew deep down, that God was
trying to get me to reach out, but I could not.
A bit of history…. Years ago this
good friend and I lived next door. God put
us together before we either one really knew much about God. She moved away many years ago, but we stayed
in contact, although, not closely. Our
birthdays were only one day apart and a few years ago, we decided to try to get
together at least for that celebration of our birthdays.
This year (4 months after my traumatic event) my friend texted me and asked
me when we could get together. I told
her that I was out of town and I would have to get with her later. Well, she called me again a couple of weeks
later and told me that we should meet for our birthdays before too much
longer. By this time, I was ready and we
set it up. Little did I know what God
had in store for me, through this wonderful woman of God. When we got together, she told me all kinds
of things that the Holy Spirit prompted her to say, apologizing as she went,
thinking she was offending me. I knew
what she was saying was the Truth, and I took it the way the Lord meant for me
to. But I saw the Lord working through a
dear friend that day, when no one else could have done it. I would not have listened to anyone else, and
He knew that. He knew that the timing
was perfect. He had set it up many years
ago when he led us to start our annual birthday celebrations. He had prepared me to know the Truth, by
having me teach it to a women’s group I had taught a couple of years before and
He prepared my friend beforehand through her church as well. It was an amazing experience.
Am I completely healed? No, but I
have come so far that I can see the light. Did I believe that Jesus could heal
that kind of pain? Not really, but it was so much better after that day. Will I take
this testimony into the world?
Absolutely. I have seen God and
Satan work in my life. I have had
firsthand, up close and personal, experience with each one and I choose
God.
I
am reminded of a Scripture from Mark 9:24 (New King James Version (NKJV),
"Immediately the father of the child
cried out and said with tears, 'Lord, I believe; help my unbelief!'”
Wow,
what a ride this has been!.......
February 2015
Follow up....
Although
not completely over the depression, I have a better understanding of
what happened and I am learning, with the help of someone I trust, why I
fell so hard and so fast, into it and why the event caused me so much
pain.
Just
making the decision to reach out to someone for help has made the
biggest difference in my healing. I have just wasted 2 years of my life
because of my pride. Now I am hurrying to catch up and I am excited
about it!
My
suggestion to those who may be fighting depression over something that
happened to you, please pray, allow God to help you and talk to someone
you trust that can help you, like a therapist, a therapy-trained
minister, a doctor, etc. God works through them, too.
December 2017
Follow up .....
I have learned that depression really jacks with your memory, physical, mental, emotional and spiritual health. I still have problems with each one but it is much better all around.
I was telling my story to a couple of pastors the other day and describing how I felt when I fell into depression. I went back to re-read what I had written here and I did not include it. They said it is important for others to know how it felt, because it is different for everyone, so.....
When I "fell" into depression, it was so fast that I did not even have time to call out to anyone including God. It felt like Satan had thrown his cloak around me, held me tight, and we streaked down to the pits of hell. I was a captive for months.
The rest of the story is mostly there, except that I still have not found my whole self, yet. I know the happy, energetic, smart, loving woman that I used to be, is still in there. She seems to be peeking out occasionally, but I am so ready to finally get her back. She actually hasn't been seen much for years before the depression, but that's my goal, now that I have found her (with some outside help). I want her to emerge and bloom into the vital, uninhibited woman I can be.
So that probably explains why I am writing again, too! Thanks for staying with me!
